Before most people buy a large ticket item, whether it’s a car, a house, or a new TV, they do the exact same thing: look at the price tag. People decide whether or not they can afford the cost. If it’s too much, people usually don’t buy it, because they have decided the cost is too high. In the same way, Jesus gives us a provocative way of teaching us this principle in one of the most intriguing statements he makes in the gospels:
“Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: ‘If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple.’”
Reading that line from Jesus, especially the first time, can be jarring. Jesus, you want me to hate my own family as a requirement to follow you? That seems antithetical to the importance of family you see all over the Old Testament.
If you read most commentaries and some footnotes in your Bible, you will see an i.e. with something like, “in comparison to his love for me.” It’s a picture of prioritization. That makes sense, right? Just prioritize Jesus more than your family or friends, and hate is just used as a provocative way of spreading that message. I do think that’s true, but I think there’s more to the picture.
Back to the idea of looking at the cost, Jesus shares the same idea in a parable right after the statement about hating your family. He uses two metaphors: one of someone building a tower and one of a King going to war, both of whom have to estimate the cost of their decision before they can start. The builder must figure out how many materials he will need and see if he has enough money to complete the project. The king must see if he has enough men to fight the battle and go to war. Both must count the cost. Just as a builder estimates projects and kings estimate armies, Jesus asks us to count the cost before following him. But what is the cost of following Jesus? Thankfully, he tells us at the end of the parable:
“In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”
If we are to follow Jesus, it requires us to give up everything on this earth – even our family. That being said, I don’t think Jesus is commanding us to hate our family, but I do think he’s saying that following him will cause strife. It will cause conflicts of interest in what we love in this world. We will be tested in our commitment to him, perhaps by the people closest to us. And if it comes to it, we must choose Jesus over everything else.
*Scripture References: Luke 14:25-33